


Phase

by Marashete



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Gen, Hurt, Sad Cas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-04
Updated: 2013-03-04
Packaged: 2017-12-04 06:20:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/707509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marashete/pseuds/Marashete
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He was going to be torn apart and he was going to enjoy it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Phase

**Author's Note:**

> "I've been through and through this, I know just how it goes,  
> you'll have no idea, you'll have no need to know  
> I will make your body grow wings and take flight, I will erase sound, I will erase light  
> I said this vague little smile is my all-purpose expression  
> the meaning of which I will leave to your discretion  
> My distraction's my defense against this lack of inspiration, against this slowly deflation  
> yeah the further the horizon the more it warps my gaze  
> and the foreground's out of focus but you know I kinda hope it's
> 
> just a phase" -- Ani Difranco

    Castiel's entire body was tensed, high-strung and hypersensitive. His thumb rano ver the nub of prominent bone in his wrist where his skin was pulled taut. His lips formed a desperate prayer, fervently whispering an insistence of injustice, guilt.  
   _God help him, God help him. Father, help **me.**_  
    His own blunt nails dug crevices into his flesh, tearing and creating red seas. He parted them with a slow flick of his wrist, smearing red orange up his forearm. His chest heaved as he fought back the coiled rolls of wrongness that suckered through him. _Inhale._  
    "I just want to know if I'm doing this right." He shouted, throwing himself upward into a wide stance. He threaded his fingers through his hair. "Am I, father? Give me... something. Anything. Otherwise I'm... I just..." His insistence died in his throat. His vessel, no, _body_ , bled when he made it.  
    Dean hated him now. Sam too, he was sure. Not that he deserved either their trust or their acceptance, but while he had possessed it once, he had grown dependent on it.  Now he knows he had been a fool to do so. And he was going to die a fool dependent on Dean almost singularly. He was going to be torn apart and he was going to _enjoy it._  
    He was going to die, a prayer on his lips, begging for mercy once he left the corporeal. After everything, the mindless slaughter of his Brethren and of the humans he'd once fallen to protect. He still remembered the ethreal screams of his brothers as he disintigrated them; still felt the _shuddering dissmilation_ of their existence.  
    His mouth fell open in a silent scream as grief and disgust overcame him. He wanted to die. Didn't mind if each of his atoms was scattered over the infinite, as long as he felt each rend into his being. His psyche was segregated -- Good and Not Good; his decisions assimilated from what he interpreted as the best route, separate from moral right or wrong. This, he knew in a distant part of his mind, was Not Good.  
    The Leviathan had writhed painfully, gnawing and thrashing inside of him as to remake him. He had once witnessed rape and wondered if that had been what it felt like.  
    Oh, Dean, Dean, Dean, Dean had hated him. He felt the hatred sear into his Grace and wondered if the residual resentment was what had caused him to shatter Sam's wall.  
    Castiel couldn't say he had made the best choices.  
    He couldn't say he was an honest man.  
    And he couldn't say what he put Sam and Dean through was entirely for their benefit.  
    So he made up for it by storming Dick's hideout and throwing himself in front of Dean.  
    No, he couldn't say he had been an honest man.  
  
    But Purgatory changed that.

**Author's Note:**

> Not exactly Dean/Cas, but there are slight hints at maybe an unrequited or undeveloped relationship.  
> Based on Phase by Ani Difranco.  
> May be more soon!  
> I'll be working on this continuously, adding and changing.  
> Let me know what you think and what could be done!


End file.
